NHL Offseason News

Since there is nothing else to talk about in this long and dragging off-season for the NHL… let’s talk about some player movement. More importantly, let’s talk notable player moves and winners and losers of this offseason.

Marc Andre Fleury:

Granted this wasn’t a trade or a free agent signing, this was an expansion pick by Vegas to take the backup goalie in Pittsburgh. A backup goalie, who for 25 other teams in the league would have been a starter. This is a huge pickup for Vegas to start right off with a great goaltender, and a huge loss for Pittsburgh to no longer be able to roll out an elite goaltender every single night. He is already missed by the fans in Pittsburgh, as he was a fan favorite and did more to give back to the city than anybody else in Pittsburgh in my opinion. Now he will bring that generosity to all 5 Golden Knights fans out in Vegas. Seriously, I give it 5 years and Vegas will be talking relocation, but that’s a story for another article.

Patrick Sharp:

This one is actually pretty funny. A couple years ago Patrick Sharp was traded from Chicago to Dallas. It later came out that he was traded due to fist fights that broke out in the locker room as a result of Sharp fucking Duncan Keith’s wife. Fast forward to today, and the Blackhawks dynasty is no more, and their team is falling apart. In an attempt to save their team, management has brought back the guy that cucked Duncan Keith. This shit is straight out of Hollywood. You can’t make this up! This sets up for a pretty interesting locker room dynamic for Chicago this year. That being said, you heard it here first, Chicago does not make the playoffs this year for the first time in nearly a decade.

Colorado Avalanche:

These fucking trash cans had one of the worst seasons in NHL history last year. Their farm system is not ready for the NHL yet, they signed nobody notable, and they in fact lost key guys. Colorado will be even worse this year if that’s even possible. Unfortunately for them they are even terrible at winning draft lotteries. They were the worst team in hockey this year and got the 4th pick. Sucks to suck

The Bruins:

The Bruins didn’t do shit this offseason. I’m okay with that though, as they have a lot of guys coming up the farm system, most notably Charlie McCavoy. The Bruins can potentially be contenders in 2-3 years if they play their cards correctly.

Ryan Reaves:

Ryan Reaves is essentially Shawn Thornton with some scoring ability. The enforcer from St. Louis was traded to Pittsburgh in exchange for a prospect and a pick. This trade makes sense, in that Crybaby Crosby will now have the body guard he needs so badly. If you remember back to the days of Wayne Gretzky you will remember that he was a giant pussy as well, and the only reason he is #1 in many NHL statistics in my opinion is because he had a roided up body guard skating besides him, and if anybody fucked with Gretzky, Marty McSorley (AKA the roided up goon) would come over and paint the ice red with somebody’s blood. Now that Crosby can essentially get away with whatever he likes, and have no consequences, things could get ugly in Pittsburgh this year. Crosby has been known to be a little bitch and hack peoples fingers off with his stick, and make dirty hits, only to run behind the nearest referee. Now he will run behind Ryan Reaves when he pisses people off. Fuck Crosby and fuck the Pens

Hot takes for this upcoming season:

-Arizona won’t be as terrible as they were last year. That have added some pieces and their minor league is developing
-The Bruins will NOT make the playoffs. While they have a lot of young guys coming up, that doesn’t mean they are developed yet. The future is promising, but not this year.
-Vegas will have an average attendance of 18 people a game, which will narrowly beat out Carolina and Florida at 15… seriously NHL, hockey isn’t working in the south, time to move these shit hole teams to Canada where they will be supported.

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